Wonderful, Merciful Savior

I was reading today in Deuteronomy 4. Moses is telling the children of Israel to be sure to follow the commandments of the Lord. He tells them to keep themselves from corruption and not forget all the things the Lord had done. (4:9, 15-16, 23) He says that "the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God." (4:24) He goes on to say that the Lord will be angry if they corrupt themselves and make graven images. He says the Lord will "destroy" and "scatter" them who provoke him to anger by serving other gods. Then we come to verses 29-31..."But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. When thou art in tribulation and all these things are come upon thee, even in the latter days, if thou turn to the LORD thy God, and shalt be obedient unto his voice; (For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them."
I am an epic failure at the Christian life. I really am. Only God knows the depths of my stupidity and wickedness. And I tell him over and over and over that I'm gonna do better; that I'm gonna stop _______. Or I'm gonna start _______. And it has come to my attention a lot recently how often I go back on the things I promise the Lord. I corrupt myself. I forget God. I serve myself and the world instead of truly serving him. So then I start to think "I can't pray...I have no right to talk to God. It feels wrong to even open my Bible after how I acted yesterday and the things I said today. After those wrong thoughts I had, why would God hear me?"
I could never ever deserve God's forgiveness, love, or attention. But there is no need to feel discouraged and give up. God says if I return and seek him with my whole heart and ask for forgiveness, he will hear and will take me back. I am SO thankful for his mercies. He is such a merciful, forgiving God. I don't deserve to even speak to him. I have so often pushed him to the side in order to serve myself, forgetting all the things he's done for me. And because of my unfaithfulness, I get myself into a mess. Then I realize I've slipped again and I call out to him. Each time with more guilt because of my continual failings. You would think God would just get tired of it. Tired of us ignoring him until we're in tribulation and then asking for help.
It is with tears that I write this:
"Nevertheless for Thy great mercies sake Thou didst not utterly consume them, nor forsake them, for Thou art a gracious and merciful God."- Nehemiah 9:31
"It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not." Lamentations 3:22
"To the LORD our God belong mercies and forgiveness though we have rebelled against him." Daniel 9:9
"In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace." Ephesians 1:7

God is so good. Why does this not drive me more to serve him whole heartedly. Instead I give him half efforts and a lazy attitude. I decide to do, say, listen to, and watch whatever I want instead of listening to him. He has saved me in so many ways. And I just keep sinning. It's sad. It breaks my heart.........
And then I have to smile through the tears and thank God for his mercy. He shows us through his word and through the blessings he gives us how great his mercies are. As Paul said, this grace and mercy should not be a pass to sin more but a push to sin less.
If you want a really beautiful picture of how forgiving God is to people who just keep sinning, check out a couple of my favorite Psalms... Psalm 78 and Psalm 89. When we are truly broken over our sin and ask for forgiveness, he is faithful to forgive. There is just nothing else to say but "What a good God."

"God's mercy is so great that you would sooner drain the sea of its water, deprive the sun of its light, or make space too narrow, than diminish the great mercy of God." C.H. Spurgeon

Betrayal of the worst kind

I was reading recently in Matthew, the account of Jesus being betrayed by Judas and eventually lead to the cross of Calvary. The thought crossed my mind- "How could Judas betray Jesus like that. Just turn his back on the One who had proven Himself to be God. I'm not really in danger of completely and totally turning my back on Him like that. So what can I learn from Judas?" This whole thought process was based on my definition of the word "betray". Then I got to thinking- "I wonder what the actual meaning of the word is." I don't know why I was curious about this other than maybe it was the Lord putting it on my heart. So I looked up the word and this is the actual definition: "To be disloyal to by acting in the interest of the enemy."
Well....this is applicable now isn't it? It was seriously like my blood almost ran cold. Wow... when you hear it like that, I do have something in common with Judas. I have often been disloyal to Jesus by acting in the interest of His enemy, Satan. Every time I choose my way over God's, every time I say something rude or hateful to someone, every time I wallow in self pity, every time I let the world into my music and into my mind through too much entertainment...every time I sin essentially, I am acting in the interest of God's enemy. I am doing what He wants me to do even though it is harmful to my King. This is what betrayal is. Maybe thinking of it this way will help me to sin less.
The encouraging part is, Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him and yet he still chose him. Jesus knows me and my short comings. He knows my idiocy. He knew that I would betray Him even after He so lovingly saved me. But He still saved me and continues to bless me. What a good God. What a loving, merciful, awesome God. This should drive me to thankful obedience to His every word.

"Over time You've healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through.
At times it's just enough to cast
A shadow on the wall
O, I am grateful that You shine
A light on me at all

Who am I?
That You should love me so gently
Who am I?
That You should recognize my name
Who am I?
That You should speak to me so softly
Conversation with a love most high
Who am I?

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see.
And the more I sing that sweet old song
The more I understand
That I do not comprehend this love
That's coming from Your hand.

Who am I?
That You would love me so gently
Who am I?
That You would recognize my name
Who am I?
That You would speak to me so softly
Conversation with a love most high
Who am I?

Grace, Grace
God's Grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within
Grace, Grace
God's Grace
Grace that is greater than all my sin"
-Point of Grace

"Lord, You had the splendor of heaven
A crown a robe and a throne
So what kind of love would lead You to leave
The safety of that kind of home?
I know that You willingly suffered
But why would You suffer for me?
I know what I am and I don't understand
How I could be worth Calvary.

When You knew I was lost
And You knew that a cross
Was the price You'd have to pay
When we cried "Crucify"
Lord, You didn't have to die
But You did it anyway
Now I'll never see
What You saw in me
Cuz You knew I would never be perfect
But I'm just so glad
That somehow You thought I was worth it!

Lord, Sometimes I feel like a vessel
Just useless old pieces of clay
But somehow You saw more
Something worth dying for
You paid more than You should have paid

When You knew I was lost
And You knew that a cross
Was the price You'd have to pay
When we cried "Crucify"
Lord, You didn't have to die
But You did it anyway
Now, I'll never see what You saw in me
Cuz You knew I would never be perfect
But I'm just so glad
That somehow You thought I was worth it!"
-Brian Free and Assurance