Sad Stumbling

"Where am I today I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead
I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed
Standing on a darkened stage,
stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why
We get distracted by dreams of our own
But no body's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall
And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why
With so much deception it's hard not to wander away"
-Nickel Creek
I'm not going to pretend to fully understand all the words to this song but I gotta say, I think I get the main idea and I like it. It's talking about backsliding. Realizing that you are far from the Lord and not even knowing how you got there. Sometimes we get so distracted and pulled away from God. But it's not like we take one huge leap from his side and end up in the dark. It's the quiet steps away from His leading. We even come to the point sometimes where we start calling the backslidden place we are in "home". We get comfortable there and convince ourselves that we are where we are supposed to be. And most of the time... WE KNOW BETTER! We are just playing a role. Somehow we have stopped seeing God as holy as He is and stopped seeing sin for as bad as it is. On top of that, we start making excuses for why we are the way we are. I think it's interesting that the song says "Others have excuses, I have my reasons why." That's exactly what we do. Our pride blinds us to the fact that all we are doing is justifying ourselves in our own sight and making excuses not to follow God.
I've been listening to this song over and over lately and every time I do, I keep seeing visions of people that I care about who were once a big part of my life who have now turned away from everything that they were taught and knew.... KNOW... to be right. I see them in my mind plastering a smile on and feeling so bad inside, not living with true peace. I can see them literally stumbling around in the dark, alone, getting farther and farther from God because they have hardened their hearts. And every time He tries to get their attention through His Word or maybe through a difficult circumstance, they blame Him and become more bitter. It really makes me feel like crying. It makes me wanna cry tears of helplessness because I feel that there is not much I can do for those people. Just watch them mess their lives up and live a life that they have convinced themselves (by lying to themselves) is ok and even making them happy. But we all know that when we backslide into the world and into sin we end up feeling empty and alone. And "no body's happy while feeling alone."
But there is one thing I can do for those I know who have chosen that road. I can pray... I can beg God to open their eyes and to send such strong conviction that they can't escape it. And, as hard as it may be, I can pray that God would do whatever it takes to get their attention... To bring them back to Himself. I can pray that He would show Himself to them in a powerful way. And I can be a good influence whenever I have opportunity. I can live the life I know God wants me to and be living proof that only He satisfies.......... It makes me want to step it up a notch in my Christian life.
"God has created each of us with a thirst that only He can quench."
"Teach me that if I do not live a life that satisfies Thee, I shall not have a life that satisfies myself."
"The soul of man bears the image of God; so nothing can satisfy it but He whose image it bears."
"Having been created by God for God, the "self" can never be "self-satisfied." Yet, having lost sight of the God revealed in the Bible, all we can see is our self, with its futile drive to meet its own ever-changing but never satisfied cravings for the second-rate pleasures of this world."
"On the one hand we long for God and on the other hand we run from Him. Accordingly, instead of seeking Him out to find lasting meaning, we turn to other things instead to try and satisfy that deep, spiritual thirst inside, only to discover it is like drinking salt water… We can never find success in these things under the sun because we were never meant to find lasting profit in them but only in God."
"Real satisfaction comes not in understanding God's motives, but in understanding His character, in trusting in His promises, and in leaning on Him and resting in Him as the Sovereign who knows what He is doing and does all things well." ................ AMEN AMEN AMEN! I LOVE THIS ONE!
Isn't it sad when we, as Christians, know the true way of peace and satisfaction, and decide that we know a better way? How silly we are.

Dumb stuff

Things you didn't know about me...
Do you have your own room? Yes... for the first time in 4 years
-Is your closet usually messy? not usually. Every once in a while though.
-Do you have a box of “this and that’s"? Yes... My junk box. I actually have several
-Where was the last place you went outside of your home? The church
-What are you listening to right now? just buzzing of computer and ticking of a clock
-When was the last time you went to a mall? don't remember. Probably about a month.
-What color is your toothbrush? pink
-Name one person that made you smile today? Rachel
-What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Just sitting down to the computer
-What is your favorite candy bar? Don't eat much chocolate. I like carmelos and milkyways and twix and kit kats
-What is the last thing you said aloud? "So we don't have the books for vbs yet?"
-What is the best ice cream flavor?Chocolate fudge brownie
-What was the last thing you had to drink?milk for breakfast
-What are you wearing right now? kulots (however you spell it) and my heartland t-shirt. Im totally looking like a bum today
-What was the last thing you ate?Eggs and toast
-Have you bought any new clothing items this week? lol... yeah
-When was the last time you ran? The other day at the river... Rachel was trying to drag me further out in the freezing cold water and I lost my flip flop in the current!
-If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Venice but there are a million places i would love to go.
-Do you take vitamins daily?nope but i should cuz i don't eat anything healthy
-Do you go to church every Sunday?yes
-Do you have a tan? NO! I'm pasty and I hate it! lol... Im gonna work on it this summer
-Do you like Chinese food over pizza?never!
Do you drink your soda with a straw?when we eat out, I use a straw but everywhere else...no
-Who was your last text to? Ryan Davenport... which is weird cuz we hardly talk
-Are you someones best friend?I think so...
-What are you doing tomorrow? Not a clue. I don't start work til next week
-Where is your dad? Out working on the truck
-Look to your left, what do you see?a desk
-What color is your watch?don't have one... I have a cell phone
-What are you doing right now?Waiting on my mom cuz I rode with her up here to the church.
-What color is your hair? light Brown
-What is your favorite thing to wear? Jean skirt with a cute top... preferably black or brown.
-What is your favorite thing to do? watch movies, talk to my family, read, i don't really know. Go to the river or go to an amusement park and ride a huge roller coaster. There that sounds a little more interesting.
What do you usually do all day? Now that it's summer... watch tv or run errands with mom until i start work next week. Then it will be running in the morning, work, cooking dinner, anything else that needs to be done and then tv before bed
-What do you like better, Shoes or Sandals? flip flops or my slip on crocks
-Do you like to shop? of course
-Do you use chap stick?I'm addicted to it.
What is your birthstone?Emerald
-Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?It depends on what we're doing, who I'm with, and how long we have.
-Do you have a dog?yes- Daisy and Gilbert
-Last girl you talked on the phone with? mom
-Any plans today?it's late afternoon. Rest of the day just gonna be organizing my room and finishing unpacking from school
-Do you dye your hair?no, I use to tho
-Can you say the alphabet backwards? probably not
-Do you have a maid service clean your house?yeah sure- when my brother and i are MADE to do it. lol ok that was corny.
Do you like cats?yeah they are ok. Dogs are better
-What’s on top of your dresser? perfume, knick-knacks, pictures, and my earring box.
-Have you ever been to Six Flags? yes! I love it!
-Have you told the guy/girl you like that you like or love them? I have told the guy i liked that I did... unfortunately...but i can honestly say that I don't like anyone and haven't for a while now. It's a good feeling.

HOME!

I'm finally home from college and I couldn't be more thrilled! I needed a break from OKC that's for sure. This past year seemed so different. It seems like every year things get more difficult or maybe it's just that the problems are so different. My freshman year school work was hard and I dealt a lot with homesickness. Sophomore year, first semester was good although I let myself get very distracted. Second semester was hard and I did a lot of crying. But at least I had my best friends and we still had our good times. This year... the whole year... things just got worse and worse. I struggled with my own spiritual battles and then big time homesickness, and fighting with friends... one of my friends got a guy and that was different... especially since it was an over-the-phone relationship since he did not go to Heartland. It didn't help that I was roommates with her. So it's just been a different year... I struggled with things that I never really had to deal with before. But through it all, I think that I learned A LOT! This has probably been the most growing time for me at college. So I am thankful for that. But I'm still just thankful to be done and to be able to rest a little. It turns out that growing is a tiring process.
I still have to have a job this summer. I will be working at the same daycare I did last summer. I also have a lot of plans to stay busy. I want to lose a little weight this summer by walking around the track in town. I want to do a lot more cooking and get better at that. I will be taking turns with another lady in the church teaching children's church and teaching the pre-k and k vbs class for a week. I'm excited though.
Well... hopefully I will do a better job at keeping up with this over the summer. I will try to post tomorrow.
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"When you stop growing, you start dying... Nobody ever arrives."
"Growing up is a process, not an event."